Discovery of the 3 Keys to Transformation
to be united to God
As you read my story, many times you may wonder what has this got to do with Kundalini in particular. I would just like to say that I only heard of Kundalini many years after the onslaught of signs and symptoms and, therefore, it is very difficult to say whether the spiritual experiences I encountered were directly in relation to or associated with it. In any case, I believe that the Kundalini process is an ongoing process anyway, whether or not specific physical symptoms are constantly apparent, and that it is a process which occurs naturally as the 'self' evolves through hard and, sometimes, painful inner work.
I have, therefore, chosen to relate my whole story, albeit briefly, as I believe that all the experiences are related and could be beneficial to those who have had similar experiences or will have them in the future. May I also say that the Kundalini process is the result of much inner work which can ultimately only be safely activated by its naturally-occurring awakening.
My conscious search for Truth began at the age of around 7-8 years of age. Although it was not really a lonely life, it seemed and felt very much so. Most weekends, I would climb a hill at the back of my home and sit on the top alone, contemplating the existence of God and the reason for life. From this height, I would see a vast panorama and, as I saw the small figures of people below, I wondered why there was so much suffering and why it should be so.
Even at this young age, I loved God, and all I could feel was constant pain from a sense of separation. I felt that having been born was the reason for my separation and I longed to die so that I could be with Him again. Of course, I was right, I did have to die, but not in the physical sense, something within me had to die, my ego.
I questioned as to who, what and where God was that I should feel this longing and love so much and, as though some great revelation had been imparted, I thought that perhaps I was a cell within the Great Body of God, as are the cells within my own body doing the necessary work to preserve and retain the body's healthy existence. Later, I was to realise that these self-sacrificing cells in my body, worked constantly, with unselfish regard, to keep my body healthy. Having discovered this great fact, I realised that they were telling me how I should behave in life, that I too should work for the good of others in selfless regard, and that this would help keep the Great Body of God, of which I was a part and a cell, in a sort of healthy harmony which would create a nirvana for all to partake in.
Not only did I feel this painful separation from God but I also felt the separation from humanity. People seemed different and unaware; they were not able to 'know' or to 'see', and so I pursued my lonely existence in the search for Truth and Understanding. There were many bizarre experiences, which did not seem bizarre to me at the time, because life had not yet had the time to indoctrinate or educate me as to the things that were not 'normal', and the pain and longing for God continued and followed me like some great shadow that would not be shaken off.
At the age of 19, I was already very introverted because there was no real desire but to be united to God, but life's experiences showed me that the only way that I was going to do this was by living life and discovering who and what I really was, and so I decided that it was time to fully participate in life's game!
Experience that taught
me that we are to 'act' in life and not to 'react'
My first real adult encounter with life's experiences was through attempted rape. One night, whilst walking home from work, I had the distinct impression that something was going to happen, and it did. As I entered the building where I lived, a man followed me in. I did not even have the time to press the lift button, he had already chosen to do so, and so we went down to the cellars of the building. As my intuition had already told me of the eventuality, I was not in the least surprised, or even afraid by it. I stayed calm, fearless, but I did scream to show him my non-compliance as he tried to attack me and he responded by squeezing his hands around my neck to strangle and muffle my scream. I continued to stay calm and fearless, as if watching a dream, and he suddenly backed off and ran away.
This experience taught me that we are to 'act' in life and not to 'react'; that is to say, to 'act' by screaming for instance, and not to 'react' by thoughts or emotions of hatred or fear. If I had reacted, he would have successfully raped me as he had already done in the past. Reaction always gives us feedback and this could be called karma - sometimes it is instant karma, sometimes it comes at a later date. And so I had felt 'nothing', there had been no emotion, nor had there been a negative thought; I therefore retained my personal inner power at that time, which safeguarded my well-being.
By the time I reached the age of 34, I had searched high and low; I had read many books, I had travelled to many places such as India, and I despaired as my longing still brought me no relief. I also felt the pain of others, as if they were my own, and as much as I tried to alleviate theirs, there seemed no ultimate and long-lasting solution. And then I met the Siddha Yogas in London and their teachings inspired me but still did not bring me relief from the painful longing. It was at this time that I discovered meditation, and it was also at this time that I discovered that I had meditated all my life! In fact, my whole life seems to have 'been', and then the realisation or discovery that it had already been, always came later - I always seem to do everything back-to-front as if this is necessary to my evolution (I would even go so far as to say that it is a way of protecting me from outside 'influence' - experience it first, discover the intellectual meaning of it later - as if, in not doing so, I could create my own self-illusion and delusion).
After the Siddha Yogas discovery, I met Guru Nityananda and attended an intensive-meditation weekend with him. This opportunity must have been my ultimate salvation because, after he had touched the crown of my head which sent what seemed like 10,000 volts of electricity through me (I ultimately blacked out for a time), there was no turning back thereafter. From then on, the universe seemed to 'open' its doors and it was one spiritual experience and discovery after another, and the longing became even more intense - I thought I would die from it, and I still wanted to die.
A few months later, what seemed like a Great Master, appeared to me and beckoned me to come forward - I am so ignorant that I was shocked and stunned in the moment and could not say or do anything, I just stood there watching, immobile.
Later, in a most vivid dream, I encountered a beautiful, large snake. It faced me and must have been as close as 10cm from my face; it looked into my eyes. I was overwhelmed by love for it and, slowly, I moved my left hand and placed it under its chin to support it, then, with my right hand, I stroked the top of its head. It was a wonderful experience of such overwhelming love, with such purity and gentleness. Was this an encounter with the Kundalini itself? I do not know.
The next few years were spent for more study and experiencing life. I learnt many things through books, but these are always on an intellectual basis despite the fact that there was a 'knowing' and a pleasure in having books confirm what I felt. Life's experiences taught me much, much more and I analysed the whys and wherefors of my feelings and reactions. I learnt to understand people that I had always been afraid of and came to realise that they were really no different from me at all, and I no different from them.
Soon after I moved to Belgium, I noticed a workshop on opening the heart chakra. This seemed like the ideal thing to do as I had not found a solution to my longing, and so I registered for the two-day workshop. After the first day, which consisted of singing mantras, I was not impressed because my intellectual nature had expected some sort of understanding, and there was none, only singing incomprehensible jargon. On my return home, I decided to pop into the supermarket to do some last-minute shopping. Everything seemed the same as always and yet everyone was suddenly becoming very hostile towards me, without reason I might add as I just minded my own business and did my shopping. I could not understand why the customers of the supermarket were suddenly attacking me verbally, and what seemed like becoming physical as well. Panic stricken, I abandoned the shopping, rushed home and locked the door. The very next day, I decided not to attend the workshop. Whether the hostile reaction was due to an opening in the heart chakra which people had unconsciously felt, I do not know.
Tibetan Buddhist teachings
and Somato Integration
After this event, I decided to look for a safer haven of study and practise and so I went to see the Tibetan Buddhists. The Tibetan Buddhist teachings gave me tremendous inspiration and I tried wholeheartedly to 'live' and incorporate their teachings in my life. This was a tremendous achievement and brought me many rewards. I lost my disgusting habit of constantly judging everyone and learnt acceptance of everything including what I perceived as negative which, I was later to find out, only exists within myself and is only my perception of things through self-ignorance. The more I got to understand myself, the more I understood others and this gave me the possibility to accept and tolerate them exactly as they are - I understood that there was nothing to change in the world, that everything was perfection itself, and that only through living life's experiences could one change to a higher perfection. As I got to understand and accept, a love flowed through me that I had never experienced so intensely. It is difficult to describe its intensity because there are no words to describe it, but I suppose I would say it is like a minute ray of the love of God; so pure, so beautiful, so loving, and encompassing all.
One day, I was invited to attend a conference on a therapy performed by an American which he calls Somato Integration. I attended and found it quite fascinating, so I decided to book myself up for 3 sessions. During the first session, I felt nothing, but something was definitely happening to my body. It seemed afterwards that my mind was being taken away. That night, as I could not sleep, I decided to meditate. The meditation took me into a spontaneous regression which lasted 5 hours uninterrupted. The regression was based on the subject of 'control' and ''authority'. I saw how I had exercised these very same actions in my previous lives and how cruel and merciless I had been. Having seen how I had been and how I still was, and the fear behind their cause, the feelings I had had for my mother completely dissipated and my love towards her changed from duty to understanding, and 'real' love flourished.
The next day, during the second session, my physical body started responding, and more precisely the nervous system. My body switched and jerked as if I were experiencing an epileptic fit, and a lot of emotional sadness was brought up. That evening, it felt as though my mind had been 'taken away'; I could no longer function properly and became rather clumsy.
The following day, the third session, I mentioned to the American that my mind had been taken away and that I could barely remember my name - he laughed and said "yes". My body responded yet again and after the session, I left feeling somewhat 'empty' and confused. I was totally disorientated, I could no longer function at all and became rather worried that I was going mad. The after-effects were so bad that I decided to go to a Tibetan monastery for a weekend retreat - I needed the rest as well as the understanding as to what was occurring within. I spent these two days meditating and sleeping, without ingesting any food or drink. After the two days, there was some sort of improvement but the recovery was not complete.
As I tried to continue living my life, it seemed that I would never return to being my 'normal' self again. When I lay down to relax or sleep, my body would go into spontaneous jerks and jolts, I would experience feelings of deep sadness and pain and I would see pictures that were indecipherable at times. These events continued, and it was only after 9 months when I decided to allow myself to go into this process completely without any control, that I suddenly realised that I was in fact rebirthing. All I can say is that it was not a welcomed process at all, certainly not one that I would have chosen consciously, and continues to this very day without any intervention from others if I allow it to.
My natural curiosity as to how this process worked led me into the field of. I had always been fascinated by the nervous system, and the brain in particular, and hence I decided to study this technique. It intrigued me how one was able to access various parts of the body through the nervous system and so I started my own personal research in the years to come only to discover that there are also 'spiritual points' which can be activated. I have only ever used these techniques on myself and have recently stopped doing so because, through my personal experience, they are dangerous and can lead to many ills when spiritual activation is processed prematurely.
Seven months later, my next experience was a very painful one indeed, and it lasted for two whole months without interruption - I don't wish this one upon anyone! It felt as though someone had cut the crown of my head, 5cm deep, with an axe. As I concentrated on it, I could actually see the wound quite clearly and, as time passed and it slowly began to heal, I felt the pain as you would a normal physical wound healing, the tightening and pulling of the skin fibres. This experience was the most painful experience I have ever had to encounter and no-one could even approach my head from a distance without my feeling excruciating pain. Years later, I was given a spiritual explanation and told that this was a process occurring in the space between the two hemispheres of the brain containing the nerve network which connects the two hemispheres and that this is where the channel, the finest mental energy fluid, enters and penetrates the ventricles of the physical brain - it is a process wherein subtle vibrations associated with, or originating from, the higher bodies are reconciling, or in conflict, with physical body vibrations.
The next couple of years, I experienced recurring states of ecstasy whereby I felt connected to the Divine. I felt that there was no limitation, I saw the beauty of life, and I felt the Love of God and life. I also starting seeing auras and past-life images of people, but these things are really of no importance, they are only responses of the spiritual process to 'tempt' you into other superficial domains which detract you from the ultimate path, and I would not be tempted.
And there were times that a great depression and agony took over. I felt that I had reached the bottom of a dark pit and that there was no purpose to life , with only pain and suffering. These attacks recurred, sometimes lasting for two whole months at a time. At times, the agony was too hard to bear and I wanted 'out'. I became afraid of myself as thoughts of suicide plagued my mind. How alone I felt, how lost, how abandoned. There was no-one to talk to, and I did not dare go to the doctor for fear that he would lock me up in some mental institution and pump me with drugs. On a couple of occasions, I actually left the body only to find it very difficult to re-enter, and this frightened me immensely.
To the Himalayas
Then, I decided that I needed a long-deserved holiday and that perhaps going to the Himalayas would be a good choice - but where? During a meditation, I asked my Higher Self where I should go; the meditation revealed a somewhat remote place on the Tibetan border which I had never heard of and which was difficult not only to find but to access. The journey there was fraught with difficulty and it taught me a lesson in exercising patience. With much persistence and will-power, I did get there eventually, and the climb up the mountain to this village was the most exhausting I had ever encountered.
A Tibetan monastery dating back to the year 1000 was perched on the edge of the mountain and only three Tibetan nuns reside there I am told. Apart from the monastery, which was completed deserted at the time, and a couple of houses, there was nothing but wilderness. I stayed a while, accepted the invitation of a villager to drink his tea, thanked him, and worked my way back down the mountain. I had felt nothing when I had reached the top but something had definitely happened because, thereafter, on reaching the bottom of the mountain, I was filled with so much energy that, not only could I climb the mountains without further difficulty but I no longer needed to sleep either. Food had never been a problem since I can remember, and whether I ate or not made no difference to my life or health - I would not lose weight and I would not die from malnutrition - but sleep I had always needed until then.
When I returned to Europe, I felt like superwoman, not only did I not have to eat but now I did not seem to need sleep either! I thanked the Lord for having given me extra time to study and live life's experiences for my advancement.
Then, one day, whilst attending a conference in Switzerland, on my return to the hotel, I looked in the mirror and saw a form which I recognised as myself but which I could not identify as me! It was a shock to see myself and yet not identify with it - my immediate reaction was to move forward to try to touch the image in the mirror to see whether it was real. If it wasn't me, then who was it that I should recognise it! This gave me the insight that I am not the body, that I am other than the body, and that I only use it as a vehicle to perform on a physical level. The experience happened again twice thereafter.
Another time, whilst visiting friends in Germany, there was a discussion on Kundalini awakening. Again, always doing everything back-to-front, I understood and realised that I, too, had had similar experiences in the past which I had chosen to disregard and accept as those inexplicable experiences that happen or maybe because I was sick. When exactly these sensations had started, I can not really remember, they just were and I placed no importance on them. For me personally, the 'heat' experiences has never really felt uncomfortable, maybe because I just tried to ignore them as I never understood them. Also, I must admit, that the sensation of heat has always been highly agreeable to me (I love an environment that is exceptionally warm like Rajasthan for instance, the hotter the better - the heat sensation makes me feel quite at home, and so I felt at home!).
The most debilitating effects of what might have been labelled Kundalini were the pains experienced in the head. It would feel as though there was movement and shifting, something like a re-arrangement of the brain - the pains in the head continue to this very day. And then there was the tremendous heat at the back of the head, neck and shoulders which impaired my capacity to speak at times.
There were also moments of extreme cold in the spine - a temperature hard to describe because it seemed colder than cold, and this running through the whole spinal system at once and radiating throughout the body. These moments gave me the impression that the physical body was already dead or was about to die. I felt that I could not move in these moments, that I was paralysed or frozen.
As always, I chose to ignore and accept these uncomfortable responses as just being an inexplicable part of me. There was no-one to confide in or understand them, and there was always that innate fear that the medical profession would lock me up as some demented paranoiac if I exposed them, and so I kept silent.
The deriving altered states of consciousness brought me much pleasure indeed as the love of the Divine filled every cell of my being. It seemed as though I was seeing and watching the whole universe from a great height and that I was part of an immense vacuum. Other times, these altered states were fraught with difficulty and impaired my life considerably; I would feel absolutely everything and everyone in existence, hence I felt their agony and pain; I felt that I was everything and everyone in the universe, hence my mind was submerged with all thoughts; I had the feeling that I was transgressing limitation; and that I would be annihilated by the love of God.
There were many beneficial insights and I will explain briefly an experience I had not so long ago when someone became very angry with me - I stayed calm and composed, there was absolutely no reaction on my part, no emotion, no thought, I simply observed the event. As I did so, I suddenly saw, like a flash in a split second, the whole life of the angry person before my eyes. I saw the reasons in his life that had made him react in such a way and, having seen and understood all these things, there could not possibly be any response on my part, only sympathy and love. My non-reaction and understanding was able to extinguish the fire of his emotional response and he became confused as to why I had not responded or reacted, as would have been normal in such circumstances. Again, this is an exercise in non-reaction as mentioned earlier. Non-reaction provides you with immense power over your life, reaction only dims it - the key to your self-power is 'action' without 'reaction'!
Chronic Fatigue Immune
The resulting effects of all my experiences have been that I presently seem to be in a no-man's land; I want of nothing, I desire nothing except to help my fellow men, the future does not exist and is of no interest, whatever happens just happens and has no interest or importance - I would describe it as feeling like a zombie, living without being alive, participating in life's work but being totally detached as if solely observing.
I would also say that, throughout the years that followed the gift of extra-energy given in the Himalayas, I abused this energy by not resting the body enough, and the ego fed on the fact that I had obtained something special!!! This 'reaction' on my part would, no doubt, be my downfall and a lesson I would have to learn. A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (or Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome as it is called in America). For those who have not heard of this syndrome, it is quite debilitating physically; there is a feeling of total exhaustion, the muscles cause a lot of pain, concentration is impaired, there is short-term memory loss, moments of depression, and 'normal' life more or less comes to a standstill. The physical body has broken down and whether this is a reaction to my abuse of the physical body or whether it is the outcome of all the spiritual experiences and trauma, I do not know. All I know, is that it is a blessing in disguise and will reveal itself as soon as I am willing to 'see'. Yes, it has impaired my life considerably, and I have not been able to work since the onset, but I no longer see such events as negative, they have become challenges to achieving my ultimate goal, my union with the Divine, and I am grateful for the blessing.
To finalise, I would just like to say that life's experiences have taught me many things and it has only been through them that I have learnt anything. Only by experiencing can one understand, relate and be convinced as to truth or non-truth, and what is truth today will ultimately change tomorrow as a new truth is experienced and lived. In other words, I have learnt that everything is truth (albeit at different levels), and therefore there is no wrong in the world and no-one is wrong; there is only learning through experience and these are but Divine blessings.
As was the case in earlier years, I tried to shake off the negative and painful events in my life only to learn that these are, in fact, the most beneficial and rewarding opportunities to my spiritual advancement - the more seemingly painful, the more urgent the need to comprehend the message. Pain, in any case, is only the natural response, 'friction', experienced due to inner 'conflict' and opposition to truth. We are constantly fighting against truth and wholeness in the fear that we will lose control - hence, man's desire to control and manipulate everything in life leads to his pain and suffering.
I also learnt that I would never be able to understand and accept others as long as I did not understand myself - the road to self-discovery is a long and painful one which requires constant self-observation of one's mental, emotional and physical reactions to and in life - and so I learnt that I am no different from humanity, and can understand the shortfalls and difficulties of all beings because they exist within me. With such recognition, how could I possibly blame, hate and remain intolerant towards my fellow men, I loved them all the more.
My major discovery was that the 3 Major Keys to transformation are mastery of the three bodies; the mind (mental body), the emotional (astral body), and the physical (etheric body). As long as we continue to be servants of these bodies, we are enslaved/imprisoned within our own self-created limitation and ignorance. Once we have mastered the three bodies (that is to say that we do not 'respond' to their whims and fancies), we liberate ourselves where nothing can 'touch' us any more and our innate spiritual power can openly operate and evolve.
I wish all that read this, an enlightening spiritual adventure, but beware the desire to 'control' and manipulate, and to advance prematurely! Life's experiences will always show us where we have gone wrong, it is simply up to us to 'see', learn and accept.
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