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I
was meditating and followed
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It
began in December of the year 1995, I'd decided to leave my therapy (which I
had gone through 8 months) for personal reasons..now I think it could have helped
triggering the process...
I was meditating on a daily basis - just the simple way: lotus position, breathing
exercises, some visualizations - also was reading the "Silva Mind control
system" and was following their techniques (the countdown system for reaching
the alpha frequency, along with other exercises).
I heard several times a tape with a recorded "tropical storm" and
other water sounds..that was the first time I felt something strange..like my
head was leaving my body...With the beginning of 96´ all went so quickly...I
felt this awakening of powerful energies during my day of work...the tension
I felt in that place where I was working, also added an important factor to
this huge process...I was confused, and excited at the same time...there were
days that I could work without feeling tired, for hours and hours, due to this
extra energy that I was feeling, like a bonus, but also the tension was growing;
mainly in my neck, my back. I saw a very different look in my eyes. I hardly
had lunch or dinner, my weight went down - everyone noticed it, and it began
to scare me...
I had some strange smell on my body - not usual at all in me-, my mind was completely
revolted all day and night, but with the days and months I was getting used
to that strange state of mind, it was like my new friend, and besides I knew
that no one was going to understand me, even medical institution, or parents...It
was me and the process.
Some days I looked at the mirror and my eyes were so shiny that I couldn't believe
it, some strange ideas of being a "chosen one" or the next Christ
on earth, with an important mission to develop to mankind, began to appear on
my mind. But there were days so bad, the pain, like mind-riping kind of, the
feeling of death, a giant massive death, like for everyone, the whole world
was ending, and maybe next day I was feeling this unlimited love, I mean LOVE,
like I had never experienced before in my life, for all things, persons, dogs,
everyone's gifts or mistakes, even things..the walls, my bike, etc...
Had some personal realizations about my personal story, including thoughts and
images (and most important, the sensations) of early ages .. 5 or 6 yeas old..this
convinced me it was a therapeutic process ( It was ??...)
At that time I found a book written by Stanislav and Christina Grof called "The
stormy reach of the being" and I thought it was one of those "synchronicity"
kind of phenomena (that C.G. Jung studied so well) and it just hit the right
note for me (the worst one): my self-referenced thought pattern went to heaven;
I began to think that everything was disposed for my personal growing, everything
that happened, happened for a reason, or had a deep meaning that had to do with
me, God was in every place or situation, and the conclusion: The process had
to go until the end, no matter what pain was ahead.
My social life reduced a lot, I only read esoteric or spiritual literature,
the chaos inside my mind (and body) only increasing..some days the colors went
too strong for my visual perception, it was so strange, I could stay hours watching
the gloomy yellow of some paper, or watching the green of the TV, I even had
to begin looking at the floor due to the overstimulation of my eyes; same thing
with the audition...other day I was like high or stoned, like after smoking
pot ( which I did some times between 93´and´94), and again, the
extremely hard pain, massive depression, but in general the process was going
down.
I think the most dangerous author I've read was Grof, this dude experienced
with LSD on him and his patients, and after some years developed his own system
called "holotropic breathing" which seeks same goal, without using
drugs, but with devastating effects (though he recommends "go through the
process"...yeah, sure...and finish like I did !! nice end ..!) This freaky
doctor is touring the world with his "junkie" system (I saw him a
few yeas ago, here in Argentina, in a TV program) and is very well known in
the transpersonal world. Advise: don't follow his instructions !!
It
all ended in June, the rest is very sad....no medication could contain me, 2
years of almost an animal life, I couldn't eat, have sex, even speak was a great
deal to me, spending months, or days, in mental institutions, telling my "kundalini
story" (yeah, sure !!) to the doctors.
I'm having anti-psychotics, antidepressives, stabilizants. I've been hospitalized
in mental institutes for 7 times, I've been called schizophrenic, borderline
etc.
Recovering
every day, now I'm much better (thank God, should I say?)
Well, hope it can be useful for everyone about to begin any spiritual path.
Before going ahead with any practice, ask yourself, with your right hand on
your heart, and speaking to the most humble and sincere part of you: "what
am I REALLY looking for?" Is it salvation? from what? Is it inner peace?
Do you think that "leaving the material world" you'll find it? Is
it finding a deeper sense of life? What makes you think it is so shallow?
Is it seeking higher pleasures? yeah, you can get some coke or smack too. Is
it that you began the process "in your previous lives", and must follow?
Ok, but first fix your actual one.....Is it..etc, etc.
Find yourself in this world, FIRST, and then, transcend it if you want, but
don't escape, because the only place you might be escaping from is sanity and
that other world, my friends, is no fun at all... I can assure it.
Francisco 
