by Mark

My kundalini experience has taken me on a journey spanning 5 years so far. It started with an intuitive feeling, which felt truly divine. The intuitive feeling first appeared to me while I was on my travels in Africa. It guided me to all sorts of signs and significant people. I felt totally safe and protected, even in the most dangerous situations, I just had complete faith in it, I felt it was my destiny. I would be so focused on it that I would be in a medative state/almost trance state. I would feel a complete oneness with it and with what was around me. I felt great meaning in what I experienced. I felt it was very important for the great scheme of things, so I let it guide me. But when I got back to England, I just couldn't keep following it as I got back to my normal life, with family and friends, and the hustle and bustle of the UK. So this intuition went on the back burner.
As my life in England didn't cater for this intuition. 6 months later, I went on my travels again this time to India, where I had been to once before. I was living in a small village in Goa, with a fishing family. I was going to the trance parties there, where I was sometimes dabbling in drugs. But there I experienced the sexual energy being built up and used when dancing, I could transfer and share this energy with others. For me mainly to the opposite sex. This energy continued all the time. I was learning to control and use it, in other words to let it flow(a very pleasurable experience). I not only learnt to use sexual energy but also normal uplifting energy (positive energy), it came very naturally to me and I shared it with many people in the party situation aswell as everyday life. It wasn't until after three months there, did this intuitive feeling, which I experienced in Africa, come back to me. This time I didn't let it go and decided to follow it again or let it guide me, with complete faith, to where ever it would take me. I didn't follow it all the time, but some evenings I would let it guide me. It guided me to take and give energy to plants. I also had my fear tested by following this feeling, by climbing trees. I felt my faith was being tested in some way. I explained this feeling to friends and they saw it as important to follow.
I went on a journey from there to the South, to Kerala. There, at a party, I followed this feeling and it just kept on spinning me around, I realised it was making me look mad, so I went down to the beach to calm down as it had me quite anxious. I couldn't understand why it was doing this to me, so I went back to the party quite distressed and concerned about it, then the only place where I looked when this spinning stopped, was when I was looking at this western Sadhu (holy man). I decided to go an talk to him about it, I just thought he would think I was mad. But he emphatically told me and that it would be alright. I decided to stop following it, until - this intuitive energy stopped spinning inside me.
A few days later I met a girl, and the energy seemed to stabilise. I incorporated this spinning into my life as a form of meditation or re-centering. I would spin on the spot ( physically that is) until my mind quietened and I could see more clearly. I had a temper so this helped me to be more emotionally stable, specially with the girl I was with. I also took from the experience at the party where my energy would not stop spinning, that maybe I had a calling to be a Sadhu (more in hindsite). This was because the only time when it stopped spinning was when I was looking at the sadhu, that was where I had peace, the spinning stopped. It did also stop when I looked at the girl I later went out with. It was like I had to make a choice- whether to be a holyman/sadhu or a normal sexually active man. Instinctivly I chose the latter. But later that changed and that was when I ran into difficulties.
In Delhi, was where I ran into difficulties. I had a long dreadful journey into Delhi. I won't go into details, but I felt very weak and shakey after it. I had very little money and had lost my passport, which I needed to replace. I managed to get a hotel without a passport.
That night was when the voice came to me when I was meditating. It was inbetween a voice and a feeling, but I knew it was God. He was aking me to give myself up to him. To enter into the light/heaven. To do this I needed to fast from food and water, also to try and refrain from sleeping too much. Then I had to meditate, giving up my breath. I had to try this many times over about a week. I was in quite a state, but was in high spiritual energy state (its hard to describe). (I'm cutting this short now) I also brought down spirits from the lights, who were inherently bad. I felt a force that required me to help them . This was when it got dangerous, and before I knew it I had been in Delhi for about 2 month. During that time I had been with only the Indians of the area (no westeners), and was trying to carry out my mission. The Indians seemed to know what was going on and tried to help me (not only by feeding me, but with my spiritual mission aswell). I felt looked after, but I was also taken advantage of.
At this time there was a non stop rattle of voices in my head and felt I'd gone mad. Perhaps this was a form of possession, it felt like it, and it wouldn't be the last time. I went to the church for an exorcism, I decided that if I couldn't get sorted out, then I was surely going to die. So, as they wouldn't help me (the priests just laughed at me) I knew I must give all my money away to the beggers and at least fifteen people in wheelchairs out side the church, they went crazy, grabbing from me. I was completely desperate but couldn't get myself to an airport. I thought I was probably destined to spend my life on the streets in Delhi. I met an English guy, who got me back to England. If I hadn't met him I could still be out there.
When I got back to England, I felt I was sapping peoples energy. I didn't feel like myself, felt almost Evil.
After 2 weeks in England, Sent to a psychiatric hospital. After a month got out of there and I was on the mend. Then during this recovery I was just full of inspirational ideas and felt so rich spiritually. At this time I felt it was kundalini.
2 years later went back to India for a short holiday with a friend, and the intuitive energy came back, as I knew it was kundalini, I let it take me (which I feel was very dangerous now). This stage I was in, what I would call bliss, was so beautiful! I felt so much love for people and felt a sort of synchronisity, it all flowed and seemed so clear. I saw myself as a sadhu, working on the truth.
I wanted to stay in India and follow my path. But my friend got me back, with alot of persuasion. I thought I could continue what I was doing in India, in England.
Back in England I was ostracized by my family, they treated me like a madman. I felt crippled spiritually. So much so that I couldn't move for hours on end. I felt I had to leave because they weren't letting me fullfill my spiritual path. I got a flat through the health service and stayed there. The only problem was I had regular visits from the psychiatric service. I had many visions and experiences. To this day they help me to understand things better. It's hard to describe, they are like messages from God. The Experiences were very powerful and are still hard to look at. There are too many visions and experiences to describe, but one was was of the ying and yang, which turned into the human versions. The negative looked like the devil, I said to him 'I recognize you', he seemed so deep down familiar and I couldn't help but like him. He said ' everyone likes me' he made me laugh. Its hard to describe but I found him so funny, couldn't help but like him. The positive did nothing, but just glowed.
Anyway, things did get bad. I felt I was in a different dimension. One evening, I felt my whole spiritual structure desintergrated, and I felt all my energy leave through the top of my head, I felt like an empty body, like I'd lost my soul. Things went from bad to worse and I was desperate for help. This is very difficult. Think ~ I might have been possessed.

Marja this is all I can write for now, too many bad memories, feel I've only just got back on track. I don't know whether this is any use, still working it out myself.
Thank you for taking an interest in my story.

Mark