I have stimulated my kundalini four times downwards quite by accident and not knowing what the dreadful effects would be. Now I have a deep feeling that something subtle had detached itself from my physical body. I feel my soul has left me forever. I hardly sleep and must take pills to do so. I cry very often on my own but curiously can have normal activities - professional, family or leisure ones - even though they make me feel very tired at times in the day.
I feel as if my mulhadara is completely burnt and subtle but strong burns are shifting places under my skin, mostly along my spine but also around my neck. I feel I'm spiritually dead. I feel at a complete loss.
It all started in 1987 after I had intensive Hatha Yoga for a year. With a distance in time, I've realized the relaxation exercises have had something to do with my present state. The purpose of this exercise was to "visit" our body mentally to relax it. We "felt" our limbs trunk and head sometimes as if they were very light sometimes as if they were very heavy. I realize now that I put far too much mental energy into those exercises. Then I started having urinary problems that kept worsening for a year. It was a vicious circle: the more I worried about them the worse they got. Until finally I felt a tremendous force unleashed in me. It was like electric power moving along my spine. There also was like a black force that was mesmerizing me. Exactly as if it was a snake, a devil. I was attracted by it and I wasn't realizing I was destroying myself.
Then I felt that some subtle body or matter - I don't know how to call it - had detached itself from me; forever.
Later an acupuncture practician told me that a channel ran along the spine all the way down to the bladder. Then I understood why there was a correlation between the kundalini thing and the urinary problems.
Still later things settled but I felt something had still detached itself from my physical body for good.
I got very angry with all that. Nothing could help me then, no prayer, no mantra - Buddhist lamas had given me a mantra to chant in order to improve things but it didn't work. I got so angry that I said to myself: "It's crazy that such horrible things should have happened to me just by putting mental energy down through the body !" And as I was thinking that I stupidly did it again for the second time!
Everything went crazy again, the same horrible sensations as before and a second "layer" of me went off, a second piece of my mental, astral body? I don't know what it is, it's exactly as if a second part of my soul had died.
Then of course I kept from doing this sort of mental motion and things settled again. I started a family and I was quite happy.
Until recently - over a year ago now - when I was unable to sleep for a while because I had worries on my mind, I was aware of it. And then to relax in order to sleep better, I did this damn relaxation exercise I had done ten years before. There it went again! All the tremendous force unleashing again and all that.
I made the same mistake as ten years before that: I got angry at destroying myself just because of some unnatural mental concentration and I did it for the fourth time, which I know is very stupid of me.
Today I have lost my sleep. I just can sleep a few hours (5 or 6) which rest me very little. I think I'm going to fall into hell forever, I can see it, it's like some sort of clairvoyance maybe but the kind of clairvoyance you don't want of course.
I've read in several essays on Kundalini that if you stir it downwards, there is a possibility for you to become spiritually dead even though it's very rare. Other people tell me this is absolutely impossible, including highly-realized lamas I've had interviews with. However as far I'm concerned, I feel utterly spiritually dead. I feel like a living dead person living among people who are very alive.
It's horrible. I keep crying very often but I try not to show it otherwise I know everybody would leave me.
So far I've been able to have a more or less normal life but how long can it still be going on? I don't know. I've given up the sleeping pills and now I feel even more tired.
The most irritating thing is that there is nothing I can do to go back to normal.
How can such things happen? This is inhuman, this is just unacceptable.
Thank you for reading my message.

Olivier
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