Kundalini and Siddha Yoga Personal Story by "Erosion"
I had a kundalini awakening March 15 1994.
My situation was that I was very ignorant on what happened to me, I'm not sure even where to start. I was reading new age books about seeking the self within our selves for about 5 years before this date, but I was not practising any yoga of any kind.
I was introduced to Yoga called Siddha Yoga by a friend and I had a vision of a Guru named Swami Chidvilasananda or better known as Gurumayi the Guru of Siddha Yoga. She appeared before me in a dream and let me ask her questions, she was very sweet and quiet and I woke up from the dream puzzled. I now understand this was darshan of a Guruwhere I received initiation. I didn't know this at the time, I knew nothing of Yoga or Siddha yoga. Except for some Hatha Yoga classes I took in college. Anyway I borrowed a book of my friends called The Play of Consciousness by Swami Muktananda and read this book three times in a row trying to understand what it was saying and I had a Kundalini awakening. It was very intense, but from reading this book I understood that it was a safe process. Now at this point in my life I was living in Alaska and my only contact to this Yoga was my friend and a book, and that dream. Within a few days I began hearing voices and they were not kind or nice to me, I was confused because I thought it was my Inner Guru, but I was wrong. I was driven mad....
I visited a mental hospital 3 times in a years passing. The drugs they gave me didn't do a thing for me. I can't say how hard this all was for me not only mentally but physically too.
ymptoms and Consequences
I have since inquired my dilemma to the Siddha Yoga people and I was basically told to stay away from them. It has been 6 years now going on 7 and I am still putting myself together. I feel like I was split into many pieces, my mind was possessed with voices of many different personalities and some of them were clairvoyant. I was told of things to happen and they did. I was also told of things that didn't happen. I was given no support in the Siddha Yoga circles because they only want to hear about great, uplifting experiences. So I now am silent and quiet about my kundalini awakening.
I had many of the experiences that are mentioned in your web site. Lots of visions, both uplifting and awful.
The orgasms right in the beginning lasted for days. I was confused and in ecstasy at the same time.
I had outer body experiences; my body shook and popped a lot.
I had areas in my body where there were blockages, that seemed to open up and have lots of energy flow into.
I had pin point needles prick me all over my skin. I had periods where I fasted and periods where I never drank water. (I was not right in the mind then)
I was making decisions then that were not good for me. One should never make decisions when the mind is not completely calm and clear. I had great emotional swings, feeling very high and the feeling very depressed.
I reviewed my life and felt many decisions I made in my past were unfortunate.
I had periods when I just could not sleep. When I would fall into sleep I was woken up with a jolt. This lasted for days and I was exhausted. But it finally stopped.
My heart has irregular beatings at periods when it happens it feels as though it is turning over and over. I thought I was having heart problems but my heart is fine.
I've seen demons, and awful atrocities in my visions and I don't like that at all.
My work was disturbed my family was broke up, I divorced during the first year, Now that I look back my life was really disturbed and turned up-side-down everything bad in my life was falling out of my self and everything bad in the world was my fault.
At the time I thought I was blessed! I now understand that I was very mentally ill.
Before March 15th 1994 I never ever heard voices. My life had stressful times but I didn't go crazy. I just dealt with my problems and worked with them the best I could. I don't understand even now why this has happened to me. There is a lot of talk about karma, and I have contemplated that maybe this was my karma to have such a difficult kundalini awakening. But I am not seeking anything anymore. I have given up on a lot of my spiritual seeking. It seems the yoga path is not a good path for me. I am still a believer in god or spirit. But I think that being ignorant is not a good way to jump into anything.
Kundalini awakening was a dangerous and harmful event for me; I tried to commit suicide. Fortunately for me unsuccessfully. I had great depression periods. I was so disturbed that I couldn't concentrate at all on a conversation or follow a movie. The voices were so very loud. My mind was very hurt and it felt like I was broken. Physically I had all kinds of things happening.
Lots of movements in the beginning I saw lights red, blue, yellow and lots of bright white light. Nearly blinding.
I am still having the voices in my mind happen but I don't listen to them I ignore them, but they are very very quiet now. Before they were so loud I was constantly being distracted.
I am not practising any Yoga, at the moment feel it isn't safe for me. I am an artist running a business and trying to get my life back together, It isn't easy for me because I have absolutely nobody to help me with this kundalini situation which is still happening to me. I am focusing on my family and my work now. I live with my youngest daughter and her child. I still have depression and I am trying to get over it by counting my blessings and making energetic progress towards the good. I am celibate and I constantly try to live a virtuous life in my thoughts and actions. I sometimes think I need someone to help me get through this, but I have accepted that there is not help for people who have this happen. Only ourselves to deal with on a daily basis.
I feel that I was a great fool thinking that I had received an inner Guru, and then driven crazy. I recently read the book, Autobiography of a Yogi by Yogananda Paramahamsa. This book made me realize that I don't have a teacher. All the Great beings I have read about or seen in my experiences had a very personal physical relationship with their Guru. I realized that I didn't have this, I thought I was protected with an inner Guru, this is what they teach in Siddha Yoga. The books I was reading in Siddha Yoga kept saying that it was a completely safe path to follow and the practices would only bring good and great experiences on the path to realizing the self. But the practices for me brought rather not so good experiences.
The ringing of the ears is still happening, in Siddha Yoga they say this is a Nada.
The mantra is a spontaneous sound I hear always. I have questioned whether this is good for me, In Siddha Yoga they only praise the mantra. It does not stop; it is always within me. I have so many doubts, I have learned for me practising Yoga is not a safe adventure into theself. I do not want any experiences anymore. That is why I have stopped the Yoga practices. But it has not stopped for me. Yoga has seemed to take a hold of my life now and is in everything I do. I still hear voices that I ignore, and I am concerned about. It just isn't healthy to have this happen and I know that. Doing the practices makes everything very intense. But just trying to live my life with care, love and devotion to God is making everything sweet and soft for me. I know better now, one should never dabble into the realm of the spiritual without knowledge, and preparation on all levels of existence. There was no help for me, everyone I turned too had no understanding of what was happening to me, even in Siddha Yoga. I guess it was my karma to not have help. But maybe it is in my karma to help someone else who is in spiritual crisis looking for some help.
If it happens to you or if it is happening to you, I recommend:
1. Listen to your heart of hearts.
2. Do nothing that would hurt yourself or any one else
3. Pay attention to your here and now, if your having lots of visions or bad experiences, don't let them affect your life in a negative way.
4. Use forgiveness with every step you take
5. Be kind to yourself as if you were an innocent little baby who needs lots of understanding patience and love.
6. Never make a decision if your confused and not sure
7. Ask yourself with every decision you make, if your decision is full of love and goodness for everyone involved.
8. Don't be afraid to ask for help, even if you don't get it you will find others peoples advice really can be helpful because they are not in the middle of a volcano of fire.